London to Paris Cycle  - The Truth!!

Day 1: London – Calais

An early start from Greenwich allows us to avoid the morning traffic and check on my wheel every five minutes as one of my spokes had come loose.  We pass through the outskirts of London onto quieter roads and undulations and it is not long before we start riding in groups and friendships are formed.  We cycle along among the fields and villages of rural Kent, passing other cyclists with broken bikes and our support team with broken members of staff.  We continue our journey along the undulating North Downs Way and along small undulating country roads to Dover and the coast. Cycling for what seems like for ever from our meeting point in Dover, we reach the ferry to Calais, we have dinner on board and stay overnight in our Calais hotel where I get a room to myself.  Result!!!!
Cycle approximately 153km (95 miles)

Day 2: Calais – Abbeville

After a hearty breakfast we head south from Calais, passing through beautiful rural landscapes and quiet back roads with streams. Cycling inland from the coast, we avoid the man mowing the road with his electric lawn mower and we cycle through undulating countryside and pass east through ancient Desvres, renowned for its pottery and undulations and streams.  My wheel is still wobbly as efforts by the back up people to get a spoke are proving wheely difficult.  Following quiet winding roads with undulations we reach the valleys of the Canche River which is a big stream, and cross the big stream to Hesdin, a pretty town near the site of the historic battle of Undulation. It's a poignant moment as we stop and remember those that didn't make it up the hill.  Continuing south, our final 30km brings us to the River Somme, another big stream and the town of Abbeville. Our group is now truly formed, Moo, Boo, Dave P and Me.  We cycle, we photograph, and we have fun.  Abbeville suffered badly in a German air raid in World War 2, they were pissed off with all the undulations and tried to flatten the land a bit. but its beautiful undulating countryside is still in evidence and its Gothic church has been largely restored to its former glory, at the peak of yet another frickin' undulation.  Alan, the guy from discover has found a spoke to fit my bike and it's mended.  My wobbly wheel is no more. Overnight in hotel and I'm sharing with a nice guy called Ben.  We don't kiss goodnight, it's a man thing! 
Cycle approximately 120km (75 miles)

Day 3: Abbeville – Beauvais

Leaving Abbeville behind us we follow the big stream called the River Somme east out of the town in the direction of Amiens where the undulations are replaced by hills. These lands are renowned for being bloody hilly and the wreckage of broken cycles from previous trips is all too plain to see, as are the lack of Jelly Babies as we arrive in the last group to each water stop.  Another poignant reminder of the thousands of cyclists who had got there before us . Our route soon turns hilly again and we follow shady beech-tree-lined avenues so typically tree like, into meandering valleys and traditional deserted farming hamlets. My gears are crap and each undulation is met with me uttering those immortal words, "Bastard F***g Bike".  The cycling, (apart from the 60 miles of hills,) is mostly flat and through agricultural lands. A poppy field provided a good photo opportunity and one member of the Virgin Velos group wanted a topless shot, but alas there wasn't time.  Our day ends at Beauvais, a town renowned for not having a nice frickin pub by a stream where you can sit and get drunk.   Overnight in hotel once more and again, Ben and I opt out of kissing goodnight.
Cycle approximately 110km (70 miles)

Day 4: Beauvais – Paris

Our final day's cycling takes us over the river Théram, which is French for Stream, and south of Beauvais towards the great capital city of London.  We've gone the wrong way and quickly turn back. Following small country undulations we head towards the small town of Meru and continue south through beautiful un-undulated countryside. Cycling is the national sport of France and while the Tour de France is in France because it's called the Tour de France, it attracts supporters in its thousands and it is normal for the locals to stop and push you off because you're English and think you're a football hooligan.  Others just cheered us on as we pass through their towns, streams and villages. As we reach the suburbs of Paris we ltake our eye off the road and look out for the distinctive landmarks of the Eiffel Tower and the Sacré Coeur , before realising the car in front of us has stopped and we hit it and fly through the air over it's bonnet.   Reaching the suburb on St. Denis we reach the biggest stream in France, the River Seine, and follow its northern esplanade, being careful not to veer to the right as we'd end up In Seine (Insane... get it).  We cycle in the shadow of the Bois du Boulogne, which funnily enough was on the menu on Sunday. We reach the Pont d'Iena and finish beneath the lofty arches of the Eiffel Tower along with our families (who had had the good sense to fly over), new friends, a wedding party and thousands of drunken rugby fans who seem like they've been on the piss for an eternity.  Celebration meal before finding an off licence, getting some bottles and having an in-room party with new friends.  Overnight in hotel.  It's the last chance for Ben and I to kiss goodnight, but as with previous nights we resist and just hold hands across the single beds (Ha ha, just kidding!)
Cycle approximately 95km (60 miles)

Day 5: Paris - London

After breakfast we discover our bikes have been stolen by two guys in a big van and planned cycle back to London has to be cancelled and we get tickets for Eurostar.  You are free for the rest of the day to meet up with friends and family, explore the city, go up the Eiffel Tower or visit renowned attractions such as the Red Light District, the Arc de Triomphe, or Notre-Dame.  Failing that you can sleep off the previous night's drinking and try to work out how you ended up naked in a room with a girl called Soisette, who was actually a boy called Gaston. You are responsible for getting yourself to the Gare du Nord on time for the evening Eurostar train back to St Pancras, the start of which will signal an end to your trip but another good piss up on the train.  That will be the saddest part of the trip, cos you'll have a whole host of undulating memories, you'll have met some amazing people and you'll have had the trip of a lifetime.  If you are thinking about this.  Don't think.  Do it!!!

So that was it, obviously there's a lot I can't talk about as it's still in the hands of lawyers and we don't want a diplomatic incident.  I can't talk about topless photographs.  I can't possibly mention crackers, cheese, bitte, Delilah, patches, woo hoo or a tutu.  The road is still being mowed, the French are still coming to terms with the latest English invasion and God alone knows how many alcoholic drinks were consumed during the four days, latest reports are that it was close to a pint for every fan at Wembley for the '66 World Cup Final.  Ah the memories.