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In August 2007, my daughter Melissa was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. She underwent various chemotherapies before she had a Stem Cell Transplant in early February. Stem Cell Transplants usually offer a cure, but in Mel's case it was only to hold the disease long enough for her to have a Bone Marrow Transplant, which at that stage offered her only chance of a cure. The Stem Cell transplant held the disease at bay for only a few weeks and in early April we were told there was nothing more they could do for her.
She came home from hospital and on Saturday 26 April we all went with Mel,
courtesy of the Willow Foundation, to see her beloved Liverpool play at
Birmingham City. After the game we went for a meal at Branston Golf and
Country Club. It was to be the last time Mel left the house. Her condition
deteriorated over the next couple of weeks as the aggressive disease took hold
and Mel passed away in the early hours of 11 May 2008.
How do
you cope with the loss of a child? The first thing to remember is that there is
no wrong way. Sometimes you want to talk, other times you just want to be
silent. You get through the days and nights as best you can. You visit past
times, some you wish you could live all over again, others you want to
obliterate from your mind forever and wish had never happened. You’re
surrounded with memories of how life has changed and how good it used to be. I
have dreams that I never want to wake up from and nightmares that shake me and I
wake in tears.
On May 11th 2008 Melissa passed away after bravely battling Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Mel was an avid football fan and it is one of life’s cruel ironies that she was diagnosed in the first week of the 2007-08 season and passed away on the last day of the same season. A football season of hope, of despair, of emotions that are still raw and finally of a realisation that life will never be as good again. Cast your mind back to the first day of the football season . . . and now look ahead to the last day of this season . . . that’s how long it took for Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma to take Melissa from us.
As a parent you think you can fix everything for your children. You’re their superhero. We cared for Melissa as best we could by making life as “normal” as possible in the circumstances, but ultimately we could do nothing and life was anything but normal. We had to watch helplessly as this horrible disease, grabbed hold of and finally took from us, our beautiful daughter. There isn’t anything in life that can prepare you for that. No parenting manual, no courses to attend, you rely on love and pure instinct. Nothing can prepare you for sitting with your child and telling her that nothing more can be done and in a matter of weeks or months she will pass away. No-one should have to sit with their child whilst they’re told how they are going to die. We were with Melissa when she breathed her first breath in this world and we sat holding her hand as she breathed her last.
People try to help, they mean well and they try to say the right things, “Time will heal” is a favourite, but it won’t, cuts heal, broken bones heal, but this won’t heal. Time may give us the ability to manage the grief, but it won’t heal. In some ways we don’t want it to. If I get through the day without crying then I feel I’ve dealt with the day. Most days I don’t. I want to tell her I love her once more, I want a hug, I want a water fight in the garden, I want to sit with her and enjoy three match Sunday, I want a text to say Everton are crap, I want to send her one to say Liverpool aren't much better . . . I just want her back so much it hurts.
So how do we carry on? How do I stop myself from sinking into despair? We have our other daughter, twenty year old Becky, to think of and we’re so proud of they way she has managed to maintain focus. She does incredibly well to continue with her studies. Melissa and Becky were so close and the loss for Becky is equal to our own. Becky has joined the Anthony Nolan Bone Marrow Donor Register and also wants to give blood regularly. This is her way of Making A Difference 4 Mel.
I have to keep busy. If Melissa had recovered from this illness, she would have wanted to make a difference. She would have made people aware of the problems surrounding the diagnosis of Lymphoma. She would have raised funds to help the Lymphoma Association. She’d have made a difference to the lives of other cancer patients and carers! My aim is to Make a Difference for Mel.
In June 2009 I cycled from London to Paris, raising money for the Lymphoma Association in memory of our wonderful and remarkable daughter, Melissa. I had never attempted anything like this before but I hope that by taking part in this cycle ride, I will not only have raised funds for the Lymphoma Association, but also raise awareness of Lymphoma itself.
I still count the months since Mel passed away and I miss her so much. People move on, it’s understandable, but I can't and in some ways I don’t’ want to. We marked our daughter’s 21st birthday on the 19th August 2008 by unveiling a bench in her memory at Aston University. There were over fifty people there including family, friends and university representatives. For her eighteenth we took her to Anfield for the day. How times change.
In August 20008 I started writing Mel’s story. I secured a publisher for the book and the profits are being divided between the Queen’s Hospital at Burton and Nottingham City Hospital, the two centres where Mel received such brilliant treatment. £1 from every copy sold is also being donated to the Lymphoma Association. The book is based on my own and Melissa’s respective blogs. I was nominated for a Beacon of Hope Award by the Lymphoma Association due to my blog “One day at a Time” I was subsequently short-listed and fortunate enough to win the Special Commendation category in 2008. Julie, Becky and I attended the awards evening on 18 September at the Magic Circle Club in London. I know Mel would be so proud and the winning is as much for her as me. In truth, if Mel had recovered from this disease it would be her winning awards. In September 2009 I was shortlisted and successful again in winning the Lymphoma Association's Beacon of Hope award for Raising Awareness of Lymphoma. A great honour and another of those moments where I would give anything to sit with Mel and say to her.... "Look at what we've done Mel"
Every hour of every day one person in the UK is diagnosed with lymphatic cancer. Lymphoma is the sixth most common cancer and the most common in the 15 - 30 age group, but many people are unaware of it until diagnosed. Lymphoma is very difficult to diagnose as the symptoms can present themselves as a multitude of common ailments, Melissa was diagnosed with a mouth infection, tonsillitis, a chest infection, muscular pain, a sore throat and even pneumonia before it was finally realised that she had Lymphoma. Our aim is not only to raise funds for the Lymphoma Association but also to raise awareness. The Lymphoma Association gives people in Mel’s situation a tremendous amount of support and they rely purely on donations and charitable fundraising. At one point we did think of registering mad4mel as a charity, but we would prefer to work alongside the Lymphoma Association, utilising their expertise to raise awareness through our own experience.
If Mel had recovered from Lymphoma we know she would have done all she could to raise funds and awareness of the disease and with that in mind we are now focusing on doing exactly that, doing what we can to raise funds and awareness and at the same time help others who may find themselves in similar situations. I have received some tremendously uplifting emails from people across the world who have been inspired by our blogs and it is so gratifying to know that even though Mel is no longer with us, she continues to help people.
There are several projects we have on the go at the moment, if you click on the
links on the left then they will inform and update you. There is also a page that will give information on links to useful sites for anyone with, or
caring for someone with Lymphoma. This section also includes Mel's own Non
Hodgkin's Lymphoma glossary.
Melissa loved life. She had so much to give and the Lymphoma took that away from her. However, despite all she had to endure she faced the illness with an attitude that brought nothing but admiration from everyone who has met or read about her. The Lymphoma beat her physically, but mentally she won six nil. It was never in the game. It was her attitude to life and Lymphoma that give us the strength to carry on and do all we can to Make A Difference 4 Mel.