She came home from hospital and on Saturday 26 April we all went with Mel, courtesy of the Willow Foundation, to see her beloved Liverpool play at Birmingham City. After the game we went for a meal at Branston Golf and Country Club.  It was the last time Mel left the house.  Her condition deteriorated over the next couple of weeks as the aggressive disease took hold and Mel passed away in the early hours of 11 May 2008.

How do you cope with the loss of a child?  There is no wrong way.  Sometimes you want to talk, other times you just want to be silent.  You get through the days and nights as best you can.  You visit past times, some you wish you could live all over again, others you want to obliterate from your mind forever and wish had never happened.  You’re surrounded with memories of how life has changed, of how good it used to be and how little you appreciated it.  It is over two years since Melissa died and I still have dreams that I never want to wake up from and nightmares that shake me and I wake in tears.

Mel was an avid football fan and it is one of life’s cruel ironies that she was diagnosed in the first week of the 2007-08 season and passed away on the last day of that same campaign.  A football season of hope, of despair, of emotions that are still raw and finally of a realisation that life will never be as good again.  Cast your mind back to the first day of the football season, any season . . . and now look ahead to the last day of that season . . . that’s how long it took for Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma to take Melissa from us.

As a parent you think you can fix everything for your children.  You’re their superhero.  We cared for Melissa as best we could by making life as “normal” as possible in the circumstances, but ultimately we could do nothing and life was anything but normal.  We had to watch helplessly as this horrible disease, grabbed hold of and finally took from us, our beautiful daughter.  There isn’t anything in life that can prepare you for that.  No parenting manual, no courses to attend, you rely on love and pure instinct.  Nothing can prepare you for sitting with your child and telling her that nothing more can be done and in a matter of weeks or months she will die.  No-one should have to sit with their child whilst they’re told how they are going to spend the last few weeks of their life.  We were with Melissa when she breathed her first breath in this world and we sat holding her hand as she breathed her last. 

People often say “Time will heal”, but it doesn’t. Cuts heal, broken bones heal, but this isn’t healing.  Time gives us the strength to manage the grief, but it won’t heal.  In some ways we don’t want it to.  If I get through twenty four hours without crying then I feel I’ve dealt with the day.  Most days I don’t.  I want to tell her I love her once more, I want a hug, I want a water fight in the garden, I want to sit with her and enjoy three match Sunday on Sky Sports, I want a text to say Everton are crap, I want to send her one to say Liverpool aren't much better . . . I just want her back so much it hurts.

So how do I carry on?  How do I stop myself from sinking into despair?  I have my other daughter, twenty year old Becky, to think of and we’re so proud of they way she has managed to maintain focus.  She has done incredibly well to continue with her studies and has graduated with a 2:1. and started a new job with the NHS in September.  Melissa and Becky were so close and the loss for Becky, whilst different,  is equal to our own.  Becky has joined the Anthony Nolan Bone Marrow Donor Register and also gives blood regularly. This is her way of Making A Difference 4 Mel. 

I have a real need to keep busy.  If Melissa had recovered from the illness, she would have wanted to make a difference.  She would have made people aware of the problems surrounding the diagnosis of Lymphoma.  She would have raised funds to help the Lymphoma Association.  She’d have made a difference to the lives of other cancer patients and carers!  I try to Make a Difference for Mel. 

In June 2009 I cycled from London to Paris, raising money for the Lymphoma Association in memory of our wonderful and remarkable daughter.  I had never attempted anything like this before but by taking part in this cycle ride, I not only raised vital funds for the Lymphoma Association, but also raised awareness of Lymphoma itself.   Twelve months later and I was back on my bike, taking part in the Lymphoma Association's own annual cycle ride from York to Derby cycle and I followed that by partaking in Nightrider... a sixty seven mile jaunt around the streets of London through the night.... Next year I plan to do the Lymphoma Association's Coast to Coast ride as well as returning to France once more by completing the London to Paris again.

I still count the months since Mel passed away and I miss her so much.  We marked our daughter’s 21^st birthday on the 19^th August 2008 by unveiling a bench in her memory at Aston University.  There were over fifty people there including family, friends and university representatives.  For her eighteenth we took her to Anfield for the day.  How times change. 

In August 20008 I started writing the story of Mel's illness.  I secured a publisher for the book and the profits were to be divided between the Queen’s Hospital at Burton and Nottingham City Hospital, the two centres where Mel received such brilliant treatment.   £1 from every copy sold was also donated to the Lymphoma Association.  The book is based on my own and Melissa’s respective blogs.  The book was launched on 11th May 2009 and on the same date a year later we presented cheques to both hospitals for £400 and also a cheque to the Lymphoma Association for £200.  Another of those moments when all I wanted to do was to turn to Melissa and say "Look at what we've done Mel"...

I was nominated for a Beacon of Hope Award by the Lymphoma Association for my blog “One day at a Time”  I was subsequently short-listed and fortunate enough to win the Special Commendation category in 2008.  Julie, Becky and I attended the awards evening on 18 September 2008 at the Magic Circle Club in London.  I know Mel would be so proud and the winning was as much for her as me.  In truth, if Mel had recovered from this disease it would be her winning awards.  In September 2009 I was shortlisted and successful again in winning the Lymphoma Association's Beacon of Hope award for Raising Awareness of Lymphoma.  A great honour and another of those moments where I would give anything to sit with Mel and say to her.... "Look at what we've done Mel"

Every hour of every day one person in the UK is diagnosed with lymphatic cancer. Lymphoma is the fifth most common cancer and the most common in the under thirties age group, but many people are unaware of it until diagnosed.  Lymphoma is very difficult to diagnose as the symptoms can present themselves as a multitude of common ailments.  Looking back, the first sign that all was not well with Melissa came at Easter 2007 when we noticed she had lost weight and was feeling more tired than usual.  This was followed by a variety of ailments that included a mouth infection, tonsillitis, a suspected chest infection, muscular pain, a sore throat, a persistent cough, itching, night sweats and breathlessness before it was finally realised that she had Lymphoma.  For some though, it is more simple as the disease can present itself in the form of a painless lump in the neck, armpit or groin.  In hindsight we can now see that Melissa displayed some of the most common symptoms of Lymphoma; weight loss, tiredness, persistent itching, breathlessness, night sweats and a persistent cough.  Our aim is not only to raise funds for the Lymphoma Association but also to raise awareness.  The Lymphoma Association offer people in Mel’s situation a tremendous amount of support and they rely purely on donations and charitable fundraising.  In August 2010 I was fortunate enough to be offered a role at the Lymphoma Association as a Trust Fundraiser and I feel so lucky and privileged to be employed by the organisation that did so much to help Melissa during her illness. 

If Mel had recovered from Lymphoma we know she would have done all she could to raise awareness of the disease and with that in mind we are now focusing on doing exactly that, doing what we can to raise funds and awareness and at the same time help others who may find themselves in similar situations.  I have received some tremendously uplifting emails from people across the world who have been inspired by our blogs and it is so gratifying to know that even though Mel is no longer with us, she continues to help people.

There are several projects I  have on the go at the moment, if you click on the links on the left then they will inform and update you. There is also a page that will give information on links to useful sites for anyone with, or caring for someone with Lymphoma.  This section also includes Mel's own Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma glossary.  Since Melissa passed away I have given several talks on various aspects of Melissa's illness and there is a link to these talks, which briefly explains what they are about.  At the top of the page are just a few of the many positive comments I have received after giving my talks and presentations.

Melissa loved life.  She had so much to give and Lymphoma took that away from her.  However, despite all she had to endure she faced the illness with an attitude that brought nothing but admiration from everyone who met or has read about her.  The Lymphoma beat her physically, but mentally she whacked it.  It was never in the game.  It was her attitude to life and Lymphoma that give us the strength to carry on and do all we can to Make A Difference 4 Mel.

MY DREAM

Saturday 4th December

I had a dream last night, a really powerful one. I woke in tears.  I dreamt that Julie and I were waiting for Mel to return home from a trip.  We were waiting in a car park, a coach turned up, but she wasn't on it.  Then another arrived and she was sat in the window smiling and chatting with her friends.  She looked about ten years old.  Julie and I then went shopping, we went into a coffee bar twice and a walked past a clothes shop where I noticed the tops of two walking sticks lying on the floor which I handed back to the shop assistant.

We carried on walking and suddenly were in the country, we were walking down a grassy hill when over to my left I heard Mel's voice.  I looked over and she was running parallel to us, calling us.  I crossed over to her, she was now about 7 years old.  We hugged, it was a powerful hug, I could feel it.  I couldn't stop hugging her, but then suddenly I stopped hugging so hard as I didn't want the hug to cause her to be ill again.  At this point both Mel and I burst into tears, it was relief that she was well again. Of course the weird thing is, that she was seven years old and she didn't get ill until she was nineteen, but hey, it was a dream and things don't always run chronologically.

I then woke up in tears.  Today we had planned to go to Birmingham to do some shopping and also visit the bench.  With the weather being as it is, I didn't want to go, but was sad about not going to the bench.  After that dream I woke up and going to the bench today, didn't matter.  I felt the hug and I feel like we've cried together.  It makes me realise how much I miss her and that we'd give everything to have her back, not just this Christmas, but every Christmas, Easter and Summer Holiday.   I woke in sadness, the realisation that the only hug I'll ever get is in my dreams, I wake in tears, but I'd settle for those dreams every night, just to feel that close again. 

Julie and I dream of Mel often and nine times out of ten she appears in our dreams as a child.  Before she passed away we never dreamt of her as a child. 

Thank you for reading.